I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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