My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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