She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
