I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
