Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
