According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
