I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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