theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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