No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
