I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
