no, he came in my armpit
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
