dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
