I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
she pinky promised me she was 18
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
