so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
