Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
