Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
