No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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