The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
