Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
