Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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