I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
