Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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