I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
