Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
