Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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