I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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