we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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