i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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