Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
