Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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