I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
