she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
