I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
No subtext here. People are naked.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
