she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
