Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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