I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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