Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
