what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We got so high we made milksteak
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
