You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
