I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
