I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
