dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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