I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
