Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
