Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
