if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
