Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We need a shit load of segways right now
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
