he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
