Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
