if you like me you must not know who I am
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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